English version | The boy who wouldn't grow up

Based on Peter Pan, the homograph syndrome applies to adults who look like adults, are old enough to be adults, but behave like children. Even if growing up is a given, not everyone can do it - not like a grown-up.

He is one of Disney's most iconic characters and a symbol of innocence and escapism. Created by Scottish novelist and playwright James Matthew Barrie (1860-1937), Peter Pan is a free-spirited boy who can fly and who, unlike ordinary boys, never becomes a "grown-up." He spends his endless childhood on adventures on the mythical island of Neverland while leading the Lost Boys (who also never grow up) and interacting with fairies, pirates, and mermaids. He also occasionally connects with children from the "ordinary" world, that is, who live outside Neverland. Unquestionably affable, he is one of those figures that has conquered - and continues to conquer - not only kids but also adults, perhaps because he symbolizes precisely that which lies in the most profound human imagination: to be eternally young. That is to say, never having to roll up our sleeves and face adult life with all its vicissitudes and obligations. With its oceans of responsibilities and its endless annoyances. The dilemma is that, in real life, adulthood knocks on the door without asking permission and there is no Neverland to escape to. And then what? Then, instead of "And they lived happily - and children - ever after", there is a "And they lived as adults".there is a "And they lived immature and irresponsible adults forever." At least that is the scenario advocated by the Peter Pan Syndrome. Recognized in 1983 by North American psychologist Dan Kiley, this syndrome has come to be used to characterize people who, like Peter Pan, refuse to grow up and assume the behavior and responsibilities that society assigns to their age. The idea for the book The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up came about after Kiley realized that, like the famous character, many of the troubled individuals he was following demonstrated an enormous inability to grow up as well as accept the responsibilities of adulthood.In reworking the book, he added the subtitle Men Who Have Never Grown Up, but his publisher rejected the manuscript. Subsequently published by Dodd, Mead, and Company, the book became a success, remaining on The New York Times bestseller list for consecutive months and selling over 200,000 copies. The same success led Kiley to write a spin-off of the work in 1984 with The Wendy Dilemma, where he addressed women who inadequately care for their children and/or husbands - aka the future Peter Pan. "Although it is not considered a clinical diagnosis per se, it brings together a number of characteristics and signs, which are pertinent and important to be analyzed. Peter Pan Syndrome doesn't always apply only to men, women can also show signs of this syndrome, although it is less frequent", Tânia Annes, a psychologist at Clínica da Mente, tells Vogue. She explains that those who suffer from this syndrome have the body of an adult and the mind of a child. It is a pattern of immature behavior, verified in adulthood, in which the person seems, purely and simply, unable to grow. Marta Martins Leite, a psychologist at Leite Clinic, adds: "These are people who show, above all, narcissistic personality traits and some psychological immaturity. They have a huge fear of not being loved and that, by getting involved, they end up being rejected. They are rebellious, refuse to grow old, are manipulative, and feel more powerful than the social rules. These adults prefer to withdraw from the real world and hide in their own fantasy."

The psychologist's description of the syndrome goes even further, taking us even further away from the charming figure that is Peter Pan, James Matthew Barrie's smiling boy. The question I pose is: does a person who wishes, at some cost, to maintain a certain childishness have to be, necessarily immature and/or irresponsible? The problem, adds Marta Martins Leite, is that "with this type of behavior, they will never be able to play their roles successfully, both in their daily lives and in their personal lives, which would be expected in adulthood. They are also people who refuse to sever the bond of dependency with their parents." Luis is 40 years old just now, has not followed the path that most of his friends have chosen — marriage, children, career - having adopted an "alternative" lifestyle — in the eyes of society and, he confesses, perhaps also in those of his friends: "I definitely feel younger than the 40 years I am. I don't know if it's a question of attitude, I think it's more the essence of people, how they take life and what they do with it. I get along with a lot of younger people, maybe because all my friends from my generation are already married with lots of kids. Their lives have ended up changing and, naturally, our plans are different." Even though he confirms that he is "not the best person to talk about responsibility," he doesn't consider himself a Peter Pan: "I've always worked, just as I'm currently working, and I think I'm a responsible person - I do what I have to do."So there is a very thin line that separates a young spirit from an immature human person. Let's say that it is possible to have an apparently less adult attitude, and to be responsible for the essential questions of life. What can happen is that often behind a free spirit can lie an unhappy adult: "The person with Peter Pan Syndrome is likely to feel sadness, frustration, low self-esteem and insecurity at times. In many moments, this way of being carefree, irresponsible, and negligent can mean a lot of personal suffering", confirms Tânia Annes. Psychologist Marta Martins Leite underlines the theory: "These people may seem carefree and happy, however, their personal life is sometimes filled with feelings of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and personal dependence. On the other hand, they need to have someone by their side who understands their needs and makes them feel protected. Generally, they try to seek this comfort and protection from parents, siblings, children, and boyfriends or partners." He maintains, "These individuals, despite appearing arrogant, hide a great deal of fragility. They have many qualities, are creative, ingenious, and, as a general rule, are very good professionals. In addition, they strive for attention and recognition from the people in their social circle. But, even though socially they are prestigious leaders, both for their own knowledge, general culture and ability to amuse and enliven the environment around them, inside they are very demanding, intolerant and suspicious."Like the character in Peter Pan, they "fly away" in search of new adventures and are often unable to land anywhere, since they are afraid to face the real world. Tânia Annes adds: "Within a love relationship, it is common for the person suffering from this syndrome to let the other person in the couple plan activities and major decisions. They often don't take responsibility for the housework or childcare and prefer to live one day at a time, often showing difficulty in making a commitment to the relationship. In general, they usuallystruggle financially because of the unnecessary expenses they make. They also reveal a frequent pattern of unemployment or several job changes due to absences, low productivity and/or commitment at work. Any added pressure or difficulty is a reason to make them give up their work or any project, and they change areas without developing specific skills in anything", he adds. This is a syndrome increasingly present in society due to the fact that, with each passing day, things/people are conquered with less effort and commitment. "We are more and more in a world of disposable values and feelings. Enjoying the present moment and not giving the real value to true feelings", alerts Marta Martins Leite. Psychologist Tânia Annes reminds us: "Parental education has an important contribution to make here. A permissive educational style transmits the message that it's okay to do what you want, there are few or no limits. When the child does something wrong, these parents are there to prevent the child from suffering consequences, so they hardly understand that their actions have repercussions." He further clarifies that an overprotective educational style creates in the child the idea that the adult world is scary and full of difficulties. "Again, these parents are there to protect the child from everything negative, maintaining this 'bubble' style of education and allowing the child to grow up experiencing little or nothing that is frustrating."

These are therefore children who lack the capacity for emotional management, that cannot cope with frustration or greater challenges. Even in adults, these past educational styles continue to have an enormous influence and tend to keep the person locked into this less mature, less responsible, less adult style of behavior. According to Marta Martins Leite, this syndrome is caused by several factors, some psychological, such as dependent personality traits, but also by the way of dealing with problems and educational patterns. She stresses the issue of childhood: "The way parents or caregivers act with the child is a determining factor for his/her future behavior. As a consequence, we can have serious emotional changes, such as high levels of anxiety and sadness that can lead to depression. These people feel dissatisfied with their own lives, do not take responsibility for their actions and this makes them feel unfulfilled, directly affecting their self-esteem and leading them to be constantly in search of something that brings them immediate pleasure and satisfaction." It is part of the natural development of a human being to grow as a person and mature. Let's be honest: it's not always easy. "To become an adult requires a person to make the decision to grow up and adopt values and life goals. It is equally important that he gives up some destructive behaviors that prevent him from moving forward and achieving goals that bring him fullness, happiness, and that he allows himself to be loved. It is essential to learn to take responsibility for your own mistakes and to tolerate the days of frustration. Maturing doesn't mean having to lose the child that is inside of us, because it is essential that this child remains in our lives to sometimes come to the surface and make our lives lighter and uncomplicated. But it is indispensable to have a harmonious relationship between the adult and the inner child. To mature successfully is to achieve balance," concludes Marta Martins Leite. Today at the age of 40, Luís - a free spirit who doesn't exactly consider himself a Peter Pan, or at least not as science has defined him - lets his heart out: "As the years go by, more maturity is gained. I can't tell if I will have the maturity of all my friends who are married and have children, who have gone through - and are still going through - this experience that is seen to be a wonder." It's a matter of introducing the inner child to the adult who has since settled in and hoping that from there a coexistence between the two will be born: balanced, happy, full.

Translated from the original on The Fairytale Issue, from Vogue Portugal, published May/June 2022.Full stories and credits on the print issue.