The approval of others is a dangerous substance. When consumed irresponsibly, it becomes addictive. And like any addiction, giving in to temptation has consequences that, if not catastrophic, are at least uncomfortable.
The approval of others is a dangerous substance. When consumed irresponsibly, it becomes addictive. And like any addiction, giving in to temptation has consequences that, if not catastrophic, are at least uncomfortable.
Some stories turn from simple episodes in our lives into painful lessons. Those that we almost find hard to tell because of the embarrassment they cause us. It's not easy to narrate our most people-pleasing episode, the one where we sacrificed our well-being so much for the approval of others that it's cringy to share. Let's start with the context, which will hopefully help to understand. It was the summer after I finished my degree, the real silly season. A time when question marks seem to replace all periods. "What are you going to do?", "What job are you thinking of getting?", "Do you have anything planned?" The pressure caused by these questions, as well as the sudden realization that I had just entered adulthood, made me desperate for a summer job. Something to keep my mind occupied in the warmer months. Through a friend comes the opportunity to work in a beach café. Perfect. There is no summer job more suitable than one that is close to the sea. However, when I go to interview for the position, I am told that I will have to work 55 hours a week with only one day off. A fact that should have been enough to abandon the idea, but faced with the one who would become my boss, I was unable to refuse. As the job is explained to me, the situation gets worse: it's not quite a normal café, it's an open-air (read, sun-baked) pizzeria on the beachfront, with a wood-fired oven. I'm expected to stand in front of this one all day, to make sure it doesn't drop beyond 500 degrees and to cook the blessed pizzas. The only time I can get away from the hellish heat of the oven is when I have to deliver them to customers. For these services, over two months, I am offered a sum that amounts to just two euros an hour. The conditions for the job are on the table and, almost to my surprise mouth utters words that I now find hard to believe: "I accept the job." Why did I do it? Why did I do it? To please this perfect stranger, whom I felt it was necessary to please. I understand that history is not exactly conducive to my discernment, but it is somewhat justified by youth and the stupidity that comes with it. But even if embarrassing, this episode was an important lesson. A lesson learned with a lot of sweat. When every day I sweated to the point of soaking my t-shirt and had to hear the same joke from customers who received their pizza and saw me dripping. The message stuck in my brain: there's no point in trying to please strangers. Despite what I learned, something became painfully clear: I am a chronic people pleaser. The condition, which is self-diagnosed, is a term that is becoming increasingly popular on social media as awareness grows of how much some of us are willing to sacrifice for the mere approval of others. The title of this condition reveals all you need to know about it. Foreignisms aside, people pleasing is nothing more than a pattern of behavior in which pleasing others becomes more important than our own needs. While the concept is easy to understand, it is worth noting that there are different degrees to the problem. My story, or professional lesson as I prefer to call it, is something that within the context of people pleasing is assumed to be quite mild. Despite the scorching torture, I got a great, tan (albeit a trucker tan) and an aversion to pizza which is great for my diet. There are cases where this can take on catastrophic proportions for a person and those around them. The luck of this "episode" is that it took place with someone with whom I did not have a personal dynamic. The most serious cases usually manifest between people who have close relationships, whether family, friends, or romantic partners. Approval from strangers is nice, it's the concept behind inventions like social media, but there's nothing like the stamp of approval from those who mean the most to us. However, the pursuit of it can be more dangerous than it seems. By placing the approval of others as a priority, we leave ourselves in the background. The consequences of this kind of disregard for our mental health can be serious. Stress, anxiety, and even depression can escalate to the point of despair. In the most serious cases, people-pleasing approaches the pathological level, trapping individuals in cycles of addiction to others' approval. Although people pleasers are usually the victims in these dynamics, this behavior benefits no one. The obsession with pleasing the other inevitably leads to resentments forming over time. The erosion of connection is inevitable when we discard our well-being in favor of the other. You begin to create expectations of how someone should act and show gratitude. Noteworthy, there is some take of a person who exhibits this type of behavior. I remember more than once my ex-boss who, even in the face of my 45-minute commute to work, complained that she didn't make 20 more to fetch firewood. There will always be someone willing to take advantage of what we think is kindness. And those who say bosses say boyfriends, teachers, friends, work partners. We are responsible, to some extent, for protecting our boundaries.
Given the description of the behavior and some of its most elementary consequences, a question arises: what is the origin of people pleasing? The non-pathological nature of the concept makes it difficult to study with scientific precision. Of course, that has never stopped anyone from giving their informed (or uninformed) opinion for all the internet to hear. A quick search turns up hundreds of articles from those claiming to be experts on the subject. The more serious voices resort to academic theories to try to justify it, such as Pete Walker's concept of fawning. This is used by the American psychologist as a way of responding to events of extreme danger and, along with fight, flight, and freeze, is one of our most basic instincts. Fawning is described by Walker as the process of assimilating the wants and needs of those who cause us danger to avoid it. The seriousness of the reasons stated cannot be ignored. People pleasing is nothing more than a reaction that is built up over a lifetime as protection. And, even though I joke about my (many) slight problems with the pattern, some people are the problem. But, given the casual nature of the concept, the diagnosis may be milder. In the example shared above, this justification is a bit disproportionate. Most of those who identify as people-pleasers do so somewhat less intensely. For most, this kind of event is not necessary to trigger such behavior. Those who consider the lighter side of the pattern of behaviors enunciate a mutation of our basic sense of altruism. Caring about each other is an instinct of a socially organized species. If we were not concerned about the welfare and approval of others we would never survive in the wild. The advance of our civilization has meant that concern for others is no longer such a necessary commodity, but it is still encouraged. It's not just Instagram likes, our entire social sphere is structured with popularity in mind. We want the people around us to like us, and when we sacrifice for the well-being of others, that behavior is rewarded. We are called "well-mannered," "respectful," or even "considerate." We want these little rewards that come to us in the form of praise. It becomes difficult sometimes to understand where the line is between nice and people pleaser. This is usually where our well-being ends. We cannot live in this world as if we were alone, but our peace must always be the highest priority. Even if faced with the hopeful eyes of someone we are desperate to please if the price is our happiness, it is too expensive to pay. As any flight attendant would tell us: we need to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. Only by ensuring we are well can we actually to those we wish to help. But understanding the distinction between who we want to help and who we want approval from is essential. We cannot be happy without approval from others, we need to feel useful to others. But let us at least have the discernment not to do so with someone who has little more to offer us than a wood stove.
Translated from the original on The [Un]Popular Issue, published July 2023.Full stories and credits on the print issue.
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