English Version | The truth in the lie

It is part of the condition of Homo Sapiens to be able to make room for deception like no other living being. Lying may even be human, the problem is when one’s way of life is the untruth - either with oneself or with others. 

The human being is an amazing machine. We amaze ourselves and others with our amazing imagination and extraordinary capacity to create new scenarios, inventing and reinventing what is our life, like a movie studio. It is said that the difficult thing is not to live, but to know how to live. What is not said is that, sometimes, knowing how to live implies lies that we unroll in front of ourselves and others. It’s a human thing to make mistakes, so is to lie. More than a character flaw, lying can be a matter of survival. In fact, humans are not the only ones who live by deception. Other living beings, such as plants and animals, do the same. Even viruses devise skillful strategies to trick the immune systems of their hosts. Bella DePaulo, author and psychologist at the University of Virginia (USA), confirmed that lying is a condition of life. In her research she found that men and women lie in approximately one-fifth of their social interactions lasting 10 minutes or more. And that over the course of a week, they deceive about 30% of the people they interact with. Women are more likely to tell altruistic lies in order to avoid hurting other people's feelings, men are more likely to lie about themselves. DePaulo found that men lie more often in order to impress. A typical conversation between two men contains about eight times as many self-oriented lies as lies about others. There are, however, lies and lies. For many years I found myself making up little stories in the place where a "no" would suffice. With age - and the certainty that I have made no pact that prevents me from using "no" - I put those stories aside. They were innocent lies, so-called "lame excuses," they didn't hurt anyone, except maybe myself, who would then be left wondering, "But why the hell didn't I just tell the truth: I don't want to, I won't, I won't?" We grew up hearing that lying is ugly. We also know that, in certain situations, lying is necessary (sometimes it is more an omission than a lie). But what happens when lying is a bigger problem than the person himself? When lying is a disease, an addiction, a personality trait? When lying is a curse that one carries?

Mythomania: I lie, therefore I am

"Although pathological lying has been described by various authors for a long time (the first references date back to 1871), there is still no full consensus on whether mythomania is a disorder per se (it is not listed as such in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or a symptom of a particular pathology. In the latter case, it is a secondary pathological lie." This explanation is given to us by Rita Fonseca de Castro, clinical psychologist and family therapist. She adds that we are facing a disease "when the lie interferes with the well-being and normal functioning of the individual, as well as with their interpersonal relationships." There are, however, some criteria for the diagnosis of mythomania: 1) an excess of lies (atypical pattern, the person lies more than the norm); 2) the lie is not linked to obvious reasons/motives (there is no clear objective); 3) it manifests itself over time (more than six months; usually, many years); 4) it is maladaptive (causes several problems in the individual's life) and causes suffering; 5) it is not associated with another psychiatric condition that best explains the habit of compulsive lying. According to Rita Fonseca de Castro, at the origin of this compulsion may be "needs for attention and approval/recognition, low self-esteem, difficulties in managing distress and frustration, rigidification of a habit of lying that began in childhood, or the desire to take advantage of others." In addition, she stresses, "the main causes refer to personality traits and/or disorders (compulsion can be a symptom of an antisocial, histrionic or borderline personality disorder); problems in family relationships, traumatic/stressful experiences. There are some studies, using brain imaging, that show differences between the brain structure of compulsive liars and control groups (people without the pathology), which establishes a biological cause for mythomania. There are people who lie impulsively and are guided by unconscious motivations, without realizing that they are doing it frequently and compulsively - for example, someone who pretends to have physical or mental complaints/symptoms in order to get the attention that sick people receive. These people believe their own lies, no matter how bizarre they may seem to others. Others lie for various secondary gains, being aware that they are doing so. They will not want to give up lying. The psychologist stresses that "even when people are made aware of the habit of 'distorting reality' by those around them, they may not be able to stop lying. Either because it's a compulsion (ritualized behavior aimed at relieving anxiety or anguish) over which they have no control, or because they can't do without the benefits that lying has brought them - it's as if they've become 'addicted' and these benefits operate as a reinforcement of the pathological behavior."

The bigger problem, asserts Rita Fonseca de Castro, is that "those who lie compulsively may lose significant relationships (family, friends), and may even reach a situation of total isolation. They may also find themselves without a job or see their financial life go up in smoke." She maintains, "Sometimes compulsive liars become hostages to their own lies, becoming entangled in a web in which they are the ones who suffer the most. There are studies that link pathological lying with criminality." As with most cases of addictions and/or compulsions, it is very difficult to live with someone like this. Those who live with a compulsive liar stop trusting the person lying and, depending on the damage, extend the distrust to other people. What should then be done when faced with a lie? According to the psychologist, the best thing to do is to devalue it and not make it a focus of attention. Nor is it worth resorting to confrontation ("That's a lie!") or to offense or criticism. Instead, one should warn about the consequences that the behavior is having and encourage the search for specialized help - mythomania can be the target of psychological and/or psychiatric intervention, with recourse to medication when there are other disabling disorders. "In psychotherapy, the person can gain awareness about the negative consequences of their behavior and thus gain motivation for change. The therapist can introduce self-monitoring strategies, such as self-recording charts of 'problem behavior', as well as help promote the acquisition of new behaviors and skills by using positive reinforcement when the patient tells the truth and the opposite when they lie, showing them the negative effects of that behavior. At a certain point, it's expected that the pathological behavior will eventually die out", explains Rita Fonseca de Castro. The individual must become aware that their lying carries negative consequences. Otherwise, there's no point in stopping lying. In a more systemic vision, the therapist can mobilize the support network (family, friends) which will be fundamental for the change to take place. The significant/closer figures will function as an extension of the therapist and the work that he/she develops. Ultimately, there is suffering behind this pathology. Besides the harmful consequences, such as exclusion or isolation, that the habit of lying causes in relationships with others and in the most diverse contexts, pathological lying, due to the effects it induces, can even lead to the appearance of other problems, such as depression or anxiety.

“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me”The Outsiders (1983)

Joan Didion wrote: "We tell ourselves stories in order to live. This sentence strongly determines the fate of lies in our lives - in one way or another, they exist, they are present all the time. Rita Fonseca de Castro explains: "Many times the lies we tell to others start by being lies we tell to ourselves, either because reality is too hard to face, or because, in fact, we believe in a false version of reality. As a species, we tend to be 'storytellers', 'myth makers', inventors of alternative realities, taught to hide/hide as a means of survival. We give to others what we think they need to know, and this 'need' is subjective and difficult to measure. If we are challenged to tell, or write, the narrative of our life (something like an autobiography), when we re-read it, or if we give it to someone else to read, inconsistencies and gaps will be detected. We tell the most 'politically correct' story in the eyes of others and ourselves." And we lie to others a lot: when we tell someone that an outfit looks great on them, when in reality we don't think so; when we say dinner is great, but find it unpalatable. In both cases these are innocent lies that are even intended to satisfy the other person - or rather, not to offend them. We also lie when we say that "everything is fine" and actually feel miserable. Today, more than ever, lying is everywhere - starting in the human factor and ending in the social networks. The clinical psychologist clarifies, "Our memory has a mechanism called confabulation, which 'fills in' memory gaps regarding ourselves or the world. In this case there is no intention to deceive, since the memory is believed to be true. There are also the defense mechanisms of the unconscious which often, by denying reality, are the guarantor of mental health and survival, and therefore adaptive." As Alain de Botton stated, "we need to tell ourselves the truth more because we pay a very high price for our secrets." A company specializing in marketing research, OnePoll, did a survey and concluded that, overall, Americans lie four times a day. Thanks to this questionnaire, done at the request of the Online Betting Guide, an online betting guide, it was possible to see that the participants feel that someone lies to them at least six times a day: 53% of the people who answered the questionnaire consider themselves extremely capable of knowing when someone lies to them, and only 8% think they can't do it. It was also possible to see that only 24% can lie without anyone noticing. Some people (about 3%) claim not to have the ability to disguise it. The people who are not caught lying also say that people who are not caught lying generally use their "talents" for playing poker (32%); answering when someone asks if they like what they are wearing (30%); and praising a not so good meal (27%). The biggest truths about lying are: it exists and can even take on clinical proportions by becoming pathological; it is not always malicious, and can even be mistaken for pity. The worst lie is still the one we tell ourselves. In The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky pointed out the following: "Above all, do not lie to yourself. He who lies to himself and listens to his own lie goes so far as to no longer distinguish the truth, either in himself or around him; he therefore loses the respect of himself and of others. By not respecting anyone, he ceases to love." As far as love is concerned, there is no lie that can get us off the hook.

Translated from the original on The Gossip Issue of Vogue Portugal.Full credits and stories on the print issue.