English Version | It’s not you, it’s your mom

"The problem isn't you, it's me," may be one of the most commonly uttered phrases in the vocabulary of relationships - or rather, the moment they break down. It's certainly a less abrupt way of ending a relationship with someone, but despite the good intentions, the "problem" can have many origins. To begin with, we are human beings and, as such, imperfect, full of quirks, issues and multiple personalities. Then there are other people's issues, such as those we have inherited from our distant ancestors or, perhaps unintentionally, from our parents. In this case, the famous "daddy issues" and the not-so-well-known "mommy issues." Traditionally, the role of the father was associated with the authority of the head of the family, whose main function was to provide for the family, while mothers were responsible for looking after the home, the children and affection. It is therefore not surprising that father-child relationships have become more culturally analyzed and discussed in psychological terms. Consequently, the idea of "daddy issues" has become more widespread. There is more talk and more reports of absent or neglectful fathers in childhood and/or adolescence. "Just as the term 'daddy issues' refers to similar problems associated with the father figure, 'mommy issues' suggests that relationships with the mother can significantly influence a person's emotional development and relationship patterns in adulthood. Both are simply the result of an insecure attachment to our main caregivers, the parents," clarifies ngela Rodrigues, Psychotherapist at Clínica da Mente. Fact to remember: not only men suffer from mommy issues. The therapist assures me that the "issue" cuts across genders. "Mommy issues and daddy issues are terms used to describe emotional and psychological issues that arise from complicated or traumatic relationships with parents. While mommy issues refer to problems arising from the relationship with the mother, daddy issues refer to difficulties arising from the relationship with the father. It's important to note that both mommy issues and daddy issues can affect men and women differently, depending on the family dynamics and the traumas experienced," she says.

The term mommy issues has therefore often been used to point to personal and emotional problems that a person may have as a result of a strained or complicated relationship with their mother during childhood and/or adolescence. "Namely, emotional neglect, physical or emotional abuse, lack of proper boundaries, overprotection, lack of emotional support, among others. These problems can have a huge impact on adult life, including relationships, mental health and self-esteem," adds the psychotherapist. ngela Rodrigues stresses the importance of the mother's role in each person's development and the significant impact it has on various areas of life. According to her, the relationship between mother and child is crucial when it comes to emotional, cognitive and social aspects of development. "The formation of a secure emotional bond between mother and baby is fundamental in the first years of life. This affective bond contributes to the development of the child's confidence and emotional security, which is why problems such as postpartum depression and mental health in motherhood need to be taken seriously. In addition, the way she responds to the child's emotional needs influences the child's ability to regulate emotions, develop empathy and establish healthy relationships," she maintains. The characteristics of someone with mommy issues are many and include: issues of feeling guilty and constantly failing (by not being good enough for your mother or feeling as if you have failed her in some way); excessive attachment to other people, especially partners; constant stress; difficulty setting boundaries; symptoms of anxiety and depression; permanent approval-seeking; difficulty expressing emotions; and the fateful self-sabotage, i.e. engaging in self-destructive behaviors in an attempt to validate negative beliefs about oneself. When not recognized and/or worked on in therapy, these traits soon manifest themselves in the form of triggers. In a couple's relationship, mommy issues can have major consequences. From emotional dependence to feelings of insecurity and jealousy, without forgetting the difficulty in setting limits, and even destructive behavior, hell is the limit. ngela Rodrigues corroborates this idea: "These people [with mommy issues] can have difficulty establishing healthy and lasting relationships, they can feel insecure and needy, and they can also have problems with trust and self-esteem. This can severely affect the dynamics of the couple. It's important for both of you to be aware of the challenges that can arise due to mommy issues and to seek professional help."

We've become accustomed to hearing more about daddy issues, not least because of Freudian theories. Both the father of psychoanalysis and his follower, the Swiss Carl Jung, indoctrinated the world about the influence of mother and father figures on personality formation and psychological development. Both emphasized the importance of resolving issues related to parents in order to promote healthy development and a balanced integration of the psyche. British psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990), for his part, developed what would come to be known as Attachment Theory. According to Bowlby, attachment is innate to human beings. We instinctively get close to people in order to create bonds that can be useful both to us and to others. Babies, above all, seek these bonds in order to survive. Attachment theory has come to be considered a version of behaviorism (behavioral psychology). However, the psychoanalyst believed that this confusion was caused by the notion of attachment and attachment behavior. For him, attachment is nothing more than a bond that conveys a sense of security. The baby associates its comfort and protection with the figure of another individual. In this case, the mother or caregiver. After the Second World War, John Bowlby had direct contact with a group of orphaned children and it was there that he tried to understand how the relationship between parents and children (mainly between mother and child) was constructed, as well as its importance for the healthy development of human beings. The invention of the term mommy issues would finally arrive, if only to confirm the ideas of that British psychoanalyst. In an ode to her mother, Maya Angelou, one of the most prominent voices in American arts and letters and author of Mom & Me & Mom (2013), recorded that "to describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power." Angelou had a difficult childhood and admitted to carrying a ton of traumas. But even so, she never failed to turn her pain into gain - the famous "turning pain into gain." Because, after all, a mother is also a person; and before she was a mother, she was a daughter. She inherited traumas, copied patterns, was misunderstood... The most decisive step in dealing with mommy issues - and especially in avoiding extending them to the next generation - is recognizing that you have a "problem." "The person needs to recognize that they have an emotional dependence on the mother figure and that this has an impact on their life and relationships. They also need to recognize that such patterns may have been ingrained since childhood and that it is important to address them for a healthier and more balanced life. In addition, it is crucial to recognize the need to seek professional help, such as therapy, in order to deal with these issues properly. Identify your triggers, identify the situations or events that trigger the negative feelings towards your mother and work to avoid them and/or deal with these triggers in a healthy way. Setting healthy boundaries, namely setting clear boundaries with your mother and other people who are part of your life. No less important is remembering that having problems with your parents is normal and that there's nothing wrong with asking for help," says ngela Rodrigues. 

A mental health professional can help the person understand the roots of the problem, the deeper issues, the challenges, their emotions and behaviors and develop strategies to deal with them better. "Therapy can help resolve mommy issues; or issues related to the mother figure. It can help people explore their past experiences with their mother, understand how those experiences have shaped their current beliefs and behaviors, and develop strategies for dealing with those issues in a healthy and constructive way. Therapy can also help the person to build healthier and more satisfying relationships, both with their mother and with other people in their life," she says. In an interview I once conducted with the renowned Portuguese psychologist Eduardo de Sá, he confided to me: "You know, I think that a mother's screams, the shrill side of a mother, should be an intangible heritage of Humanity (laughs). Because it's part of it...". The truth is that there are no courses to learn how to deal with motherhood in its most psychological aspect and, I firmly believe, every mother does the best she can. It's not up to children to carry the issues passed down from their mothers - or anyone else - for a lifetime. That's called victimization. As the psychologist from Clínica da Mente told us, recognizing the problem is the first and most fundamental step towards a lighter life. And it's certainly not the mother who has to give it. British writer Agatha Christie noted that "a mother loves her child like nothing else in the world. She knows no law, no pity, she surpasses all things and mercilessly crushes everything that stands in her way." It's true. And that's also why it never hurts to remember that before being superwomen-incapable-of-failing, mothers, with more or less issues, are still people.

Translated from the original on Vogue Portugal's Mother Nature issue, published May 2024. Full stories and credits in the print issue.