English Version | What’s self-love got to do with it?

It has been 23 days since I touched a drop of alcohol. Suddenly, it looks like we're about to start an A.A. session, but we're not. Neither am I an alcoholic (although I tend towards an addictive personality), nor is this a text about alcohol or addictions. And yet this beginning has everything to do with the theme of self-love (or the lack of it). I decided to stop drinking after an afternoon of drinking that could have ended very badly and only ended less badly. It still ended badly enough that, the next day, between the physical hangover, feelings of guilt and a chaotic emotional state, I made the prudent decision not to drink alcohol again - at least not any time soon. Laura Nedel, a neuropsychologist and clinical psychologist at the Red Cross Hospital, defines a person with self-love as "someone who listens to their own body, who rests when they're tired, who tries to feed their physical body with healthy food, but sometimes also allows themselves to indulge in their favorite foods. A person with self-love asks for help when they need it, forgives themselves when they fail, recognizes when they are not kind to themselves and tries to give themselves a break from self-judgment - even (or especially) when things don't go so well." In theory, we understand the concept. It turns out that the brain is a genius at twisting us around. I consider myself an expert at convincing myself of things. For example, a glass of wine at the end of the day has always been considered by my brain as something I deserved. After all, I've worked, I haven't missed my ballet class, my house is clean and tidy, so that glass of wine is nothing more than a gesture of self-love. And everything would be fine. But when I find myself analyzing my consumption, questioning the days when I can drink and negotiating those when I'm not supposed to, then a potential future problem opens up and the voice of reason cannot and should not be ignored in the name of pleasure.

Self-love isn't (just) about how good something feels, it's mainly about how good something does us. That's why we often hear that the things that do us good usually look boring. Working on self-love can indeed seem boring. Because self-love has everything to do with discipline, with commitment to ourselves and this often means making choices we don't want to make and giving up others we want very much. I would venture to say that more important than self-love is self-respect. Respect for ourselves leads us to make the right decisions, even if they aren't the most exciting ones. Laura Nedel validates this idea: "Self-love and self-respect go hand-in-hand, in other words, they are strictly connected. Respecting and loving ourselves implies being attentive to our needs, setting healthy limits and not sacrificing our well-being to please others. Always remembering that we don't get what we deserve, but what we accept." I wonder why it's so difficult to be good to ourselves. "We over-charge ourselves, we set unrealistic goals, we make unfair comparisons in the sense that we don't realize that each individual has their own life baggage, their own abilities, and is on their own journey, either out of a need for external validation or because we internalize that the responsibility for everything that happens around us is ours." The psychologist adds self-knowledge to the recipe, which is crucial so that "there can be a healthy and positive relationship between 'me' and the 'me I want to be'". Google suggests 3,650,000,000 results, in the space of 0.40 seconds, for the word "self-love." That's a lot of people wanting to "love themselves more." On Instagram and Tik Tok, the repercussions of this term are immense: videos with "self-love" tips and inspirational texts or phrases fall into our laps at an atrocious speed. "The concept of self-love has been talked about a lot these days, but it is rarely applied in practice," says the psychologist. Self-love implies a state of respect and appreciation for ourselves that is developed through attitudes that support our physical and psychological growth. Laura lists some of the pillars of self-love, such as "self-awareness, which refers to paying attention to oneself, perceiving one's own emotions, sensations and thoughts. Self-acceptance, which involves accepting that we have positive and not-so-positive attributes, so that we can value our qualities and work on our weaknesses. And self-care, which is related to the ability to protect and look after ourselves."

We're surprised when we realize that that top model with a "dream life" doesn't have that much self-esteem. Our self-esteem doesn't necessarily depend on our physical characteristics or achievements, but rather on our perception of them: "The problem is that this self-perception is developed, in part, from other people's appreciation of us," adds Laura. "During childhood, we have basic needs for attention, affection, positive reinforcement, protection and stability. However, each of us has a different degree of these needs and sometimes our parents/primary caregivers end up not meeting these demands. Either because they weren't supportive enough, didn't empathize, weren't present, didn't recognize our efforts... Thus, we take on non-existent guilt and a need to make ourselves worthy of something we lacked. This leads to great suffering in adulthood as we try to make amends for the past, seeking external affirmations that reinforce our worth." And by external affirmations we also mean social networks, with all their own needs. Self-love has never been talked about so much and it seems we've never been so far from achieving it. Time magazine lends the following title to an article on the subject: "Why is is self-love making us lonely?" The Guardian, for its part, discusses narcissism as one of the consequences of this obsession with "loving ourselves." It's no lie that we're becoming more and more isolated, more inward-looking. We find ourselves in a self-centered, pampered society, and these are more than enough reasons to review the concept of "self-love" and give it new meanings. "There is a lot of controversy [around this concept]," confirms the psychologist. "Conceptions of self-love have been polarized as good (associated with well-being) or bad (associated with selfishness and narcissism). Although often equated, self-love and narcissism are complete opposites. People with narcissistic traits can appear extremely self-confident and grandiose, but this is just a way of compensating for their deep insecurities. Narcissism does not come from self-love, but from a form of self-loathing." In any case, the reality is that society is much more self-centered. According to Laura, there are specific reasons for this: "Studies show that global economic growth may have contributed to this self-centeredness. Some researchers have observed that young adults who lived through difficult times are less narcissistic than those who came of age during economic booms. I believe that this association is partly due to the increased pressure to be more successful, which creates a more competitive (and also more insecure) society. I think one of the main facilitators of this relationship is the Internet, more specifically social networks. We end up worrying more about what others have or what they are doing than about our own lives and this ends up generating unfair and constant comparisons that make us feel unhappy and insufficient with what we have. Consequently, we develop hypercompensation behaviors, that is, we try to reinforce our self-esteem through various behaviors, such as constantly posting information about our lives, our best photos and videos." Usually, in social interactions, an individual talks about themselves about 30% of the time. On social media, people talk about themselves at least 80% of the time. So when they receive a positive feedback notification (a like or a comment), there is a satisfying feeling. Receiving positive feedback stimulates the brain to release dopamine (a substance associated with reward and pleasure), rewarding behavior linked to social platforms, thus perpetuating the habit of using them. It is for these reasons and others that the cult of self-respect is as important, if not more important, than self-love. In short, the equation is simple: by being compassionate towards ourselves, we become receptive to accepting and loving others. If we have a negative relationship with ourselves, the emotional impact of this state will prevent us from genuinely connecting with other people. Love for others cannot exist without love and respect for ourselves. We can only give what we have. But first of all, we have to understand and know what it means to love ourselves. And to know that, more often than we would like, loving ourselves means doing precisely what we don't feel like doing. In my case, giving up drinking. Call it self-love or self-respect. I call it working on my best version.

*Originally translated from the Love & Hope Issue, published December 2023. Full credits and stories in the print issue.