English Version | Many years of life

There are ideas that we take for granted, almost without thinking. One of them, for me, has always been that age is the true source of wisdom. However, having studied life — my own and that of others — I have come to realise that this is not quite true. As I delved deeper into the subject — reflecting, exchanging ideas with older, more experienced people — that certainty turned into a question. Because perhaps it is true: age — experience, life lessons — can indeed offer countless teachings. Some good, some bad. Some bad ones that turn into lessons. Others that turn into absolutely nothing. And that's because those who experience them choose not to turn them into anything.

“The great tragedy is confusing age with wisdom. It's true that as we grow older we can become wise, but this does not always happen. Often we just end up stubborn and obstinate.” These words are from journalist and writer — and also mother and grandmother — Isabel Stilwell, with whom I had a conversation about this topic. Even before I asked the questions I had prepared for the writer, Isabel mentioned the book by neurologist and researcher Alexandre Castro Caldas: Uma Visita Politicamente Incorrecta ao Cérebro Humano (A Politically Incorrect Visit to the Human Brain) (2013). The author writes: "We know, for example, that as we age, the balance between the frontal cortex and the sensory cortex changes, to the detriment of the density of the sensory cortex. Is this why older people become egocentric to the point of autism?" He suggests that as our senses fail, our hearing, vision and mobility betray us, the yardstick of our judgements becomes our accumulated experience, our database.

We convince ourselves, therefore, that we possess the truth, distancing ourselves from reality, but without accepting that we have ceased to know it. Castro Caldas observes: "We know that ageing and excessive power promote top-down mechanisms (from within oneself to the outside world), leading to an egocentric attitude of conduct with rigid beliefs based on the truth we believe in." And that is why ‘in our relationship with the world, we need to know how to exercise some control over our way of being. This involves "the ability to look at each experience as a new experience, in a way that opens the door to reflection and broadens our doubts and our desire to know." Stilwell concludes: "Wisdom is not guaranteed with age — it's work." It must be recognised that, over the years, we accumulate experiences. But it's how these experiences are processed, integrated or transformed, which varies significantly between people, that can make the difference. Ângela Rodrigues, a psychologist at Clínica da Mente, confirms the theory: "Age can, in fact, create more favourable conditions for reflection, either through greater availability of time or a reduction in external demands, such as professional or family obligations. For some people, this context facilitates internal reorganisation, allowing them to review their paths, reformulate priorities or deal with uncertainty in a more thoughtful way. But this potential does not happen automatically: some people maintain patterns of functioning similar to those of earlier stages of life, even in the face of significant experiences. Others develop greater openness to complexity, greater tolerance for ambiguities, and a more integrated view of their personal journey," explains the psychologist. She asserts that wisdom, as a profound reorganisation of lived knowledge, is not guaranteed by age alone, but can emerge when lived time is accompanied by processes of analysis, adaptation, and personal synthesis. It's, therefore, a highly variable phenomenon that cannot be reduced to chronology. Based on the historical figures she discusses in her books or on real women, Isabel Stilwell believes that "we all learn from our own mistakes, not from those of others. And we also learn from our children's mistakes, even though we think they should learn from ours." She argues that time passes in two ways: "On the one hand, we learn from everyone's mistakes and lessons. On the other, we look at figures such as Prince Henry the Navigator making the same mistakes that a teenager would make. Impulsive, failing to plan the battle, losing Tangier, disobeying orders. It could be Prince Henry or my 19-year-old son."

Time can facilitate the development of emotional maturity, but it does not determine it. In many cases, advancing age is associated with exposure to varied contexts, repeated relational experiences, and the need to deal with events that challenge internal stability, such as loss, frustration, or role changes. "These elements can contribute to a progressive adjustment in the way a person relates to themselves and others," explains Rodrigues. However, he stresses that this adjustment is not guaranteed. "Time lived offers opportunities, but emotional maturity depends on how those opportunities are processed. The ability to recognise internal states, to integrate them and to act in a manner consistent with that understanding requires a certain degree of reflective awareness that does not always develop spontaneously." In other words, although time can create fertile ground, emotional growth is more closely linked to how that time is lived. For psychologist Carolina de Freitas Nunes, it is not time that teaches us, but the awareness with which we go through it: "Emotional maturity requires a willingness to look inward, deal with pain, and review beliefs and choices." Carl Jung said: "Those who look outside dream, those who look inside awaken." This is a phrase that remains relevant today — and, according to this psychologist, this awakening is an active process, not always linear, but deeply liberating. 

"Emotional intelligence and introspection are gaining ground because we have learned, over time, that what happens inside us is just as important as what we see on the outside," adds Freitas Nunes. I bring emotional, relational and introspective intelligence into the discussion, questioning whether these mature naturally over the years. The psychologists' opinion is that there is no single trajectory in the development of these forms of intelligence. At different stages, certain types of skills may become more prominent, while others remain stable or even diminish. In the words of Ângela Rodrigues: “Introspection tends to gain ground as the external pace slows down or as certain stages require greater internal reorganisation. Relational intelligence, in turn, can deepen over time, especially when there is continued investment in meaningful bonds and in listening and negotiation skills. Emotional intelligence, in the sense of identifying and regulating one's own affective states, can benefit from repeated experiences and cumulative learning, but it does not evolve automatically." She emphasises that what is consistently observed is that time offers potential conditions for the refinement of various dimensions of intelligence, but the results are highly influenced by factors such as life context, personal disposition, support network, and access to diverse experiences. In my conversation with Isabel Stilwell, I considered it relevant to address the role of listening in the construction of wisdom. Because listening is different from hearing. Listening is paying attention and internalising. "I have a habit of putting “quick fixes” on people who confide in me. I get anxious and interrupt with immediate solutions. But the person just wants to vent,‘ confesses the writer. She emphasises: "Listening to yourself is also important. People cannot stop working on themselves. We take care of our bodies at the gym, but we forget about our minds. Building wisdom also requires looking inward."

This gesture, seemingly simple and yet so complex — and perhaps that is why we spend part of our lives “running away” from this confrontation — also gains importance in terms of how we perceive ourselves: does this change, or do we just resign ourselves to it? According to Freitas Nunes, we can gain clarity and peace, yes — but we can also hide in a kind of resignation disguised as acceptance: "The big difference lies in knowing whether we are still alive inside, or just going through the motions." Ângela Rodrigues adds: "For some people, the decades they have lived bring greater clarity. It becomes more evident what has value, what personal limits there are, and what kind of commitments one desires or avoids. Decisions become less based on external expectations and more on personal assessment, built on experience. In other situations, or even in the same situations at different times, a certain degree of resignation may emerge: an adjustment to circumstances that does not exactly correspond to what one wanted, but which becomes functional or necessary." She explains that these two movements are not mutually exclusive. They often coexist: a person may, for example, become more lucid about who they are and what they value, while recognising that certain desires will no longer be fulfilled in the idealised way. "Time does not lead linearly to lucidity or resignation. What tends to happen is a reorganisation of identity, more complex and less binary, where there is room for both acceptance and continuous readjustment." In the process of ageing, and in the case of poorly assimilated or even "unresolved" experiences, there are also some dangers that do nothing to contribute to the construction of wisdom. Bitterness is something that frightens Isabel Stilwell. "I hate to hear people say, “In my day, things were good”. It's a depressing phrase. It seems that there will be no better days. There is a survey that says that more than 70% of Portuguese people look back as having failed. That is tragic — not feeling fulfilled." With age, it is not uncommon to lose one's identity. And identity is what keeps us alive. "That thing of “watching television and thinking that their time was good”... It's nostalgia. (...) I often use the expression “nostalgia for times that never were”. People often miss times that, when you look closely, weren't so wonderful," he reflects, reminding us that life happens in the present and not in idealised memories. He quotes Alain de Botton: "When someone says “I'm retired”, he replies "I didn't ask you if you receive a pension. I asked how your mind is formed.“ The mind was that of a lawyer, a painter, a teacher. Employment status is irrelevant. "Retired” is an indistinct group of people." Ageing without feeling "out of touch" is possible, but it takes effort: "You have to stay curious, flexible and cultivate meaningful relationships. You need to feel that you still have something to contribute, to learn, to live. Belonging is not something you receive, it is something you build every day," summarises psychologist Carolina. Ângela Rodrigues adds: "Remaining connected to the world requires availability, both on the part of those who are ageing and on the part of the world to make real space for their presence."

Despite everything, there are things that age brings, regardless of the wisdom acquired — or not. On the one hand, a certain feeling and freedom, one that no longer needs to please everyone. To choose more consciously, to say "no" without guilt, to live more truthfully. It's a less noisy freedom, but much more solid. This "freedom" does not imply an absence of limits, nor even absolute detachment. It can even occur at different times in life. But it tends to become more evident when a person feels entitled to choose based on their own criteria, even if these do not coincide with the dominant standards. Isabel Stilwell sees tolerance as one of the greatest assets that "age" can bring. Or rather, openness — tolerance is a word that seems to imply superiority. Openness is better. "An openness of mind towards many things in life. In my case, it has made me less rigid, less judgemental." To the younger Isabel, she would say to feel less guilt, a very feminine feeling: "Guilt for working, for separating, for everything. But guilt doesn't help anyone. I think there is useful guilt — as a warning. Useful guilt serves to rebalance. But then you have to know when to put an end to it." Wisdom, she notes, "lies in distinguishing between what we could have done better and useless self-flagellation. I once read that brooding is like a rocking chair: it seems like we're moving, but we're standing still." Finally, she mentions her grandchildren, who for her are the best therapy for ageing: "We rediscover ourselves as children. We have more time, we sleep better, we are no longer so tired. Even working full time, we are in a different phase." She affirms with certainty that one of the most beautiful forms of wisdom is to pass on the good things from generation to generation — that is eternity. She concludes: "Anti-ageing is about creating memories. It gives us the feeling of achieving eternity. Even without believing in life after death, we will be alive." In an interview with the online magazine The Talks, actor Javier Bardem said: "We have to be open to learning. As we age, the danger lies in thinking that we already know everything — when, in fact, we know less and less." In short, many years of life do not always translate into many years of lucidity. Time alone does not work miracles. Age can offer experience, maturity, memory — but it does not guarantee understanding. There are those who learn, and there are those who just grow old.

Translated from the original in Vogue Portugal's The Wisdom Issue, published in September 2025. Full stories and credits are available in the print issue.