Except, it's not. In a modern society that is (still) patriarchal, pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure, is (still) an archetype constructed and thought of with men in mind. When it is (still) a stigma that a woman enjoys as much sexual liberation as the opposite gender, under penalty of being labeled “easy” or “slut”, even by her own eyes, how can one speak of hedonism, female-wise, in full? One (still) can't. But one must.
Except, it's not. In a modern society that is (still) patriarchal, pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure, is (still) an archetype constructed and thought of with men in mind. When it is (still) a stigma that a woman enjoys as much sexual liberation as the opposite gender, under penalty of being labeled “easy” or “slut”, even by her own eyes, how can one speak of hedonism, female-wise, in full? One (still) can't. But one must.

Photo © Alva Bernadine
There’s no need to cite a list of studies to know that there is a duality in the judgement of women and men regarding their role as sexually active beings. There’s no need to read the surveys, studies, investigations - even if they do exist in considerable numbers - to know, by the most elementary empirical method, that of experience and observation, that women and men are judged differently in what concerns sex and consequent sexual pleasure. You've probably already felt this dichotomy firsthand, and probably even perpetuated it - whether you're a man or a woman reading this article. We are all guilty of, even with the access to information that we have at our disposal these days, and speaking in particular of modern Western societies, at some point in our lives, asserting the Sexual Double Standard (SDS). That is, that men and women are judged differently in relation to the same sexual behaviors, implying that society has different standards for behaviors that are considered appropriate for men and that these differ from behaviors that are seen as appropriate for women. Typically, women are judged more negatively for engaging in various types of sexual behavior and men more positively for participating in the same sexual activities. Consequently, they have greater freedom and sexual agency. And you don't have to list references to know that individuals' perceptions of what is appropriate behavior for men and women are shaped by social norms.
Of course, there are specific behaviors, namely with regard to judgments against women, which have changed over time - nowadays, speaking from a privileged point of view of a democratic western society, it is already (more) accepted, being a woman, to engage in sex before marriage, but this doesn’t mean that a woman's sexual freedom - and pleasure - is already at a stage of fullness. A review of 30 studies published since 1980, says Tina M. Penhollow, from the Department of Exercise Science & Health Promotion, Florida Atlantic University, United States, in an article published in 2017 on Atlasofscience.org, supports the continued existence of the sexual double standard over this time, though, the sexual revolution has instilled more permissive attitudes (such as premarital sex) and more normative for both men and women. Which is not to say that “all's well that ends well”, because it's not over yet. It is well known the paraphernalia of (old) restrictions that women have been conquering over the centuries, in society, such as the right to vote - and the right to pleasure is no different. Even in the 21st century, in general, men are given more sexual leniency and are evaluated with more acceptance and tolerance, even applause in certain circles, in relation to sexual behaviors and number of partners when compared to women who engage in the same behaviors, which means that a woman can (and is) ostracized or socially diminished simply for having the same attitudes as the opposite sex. As a rule, the expectation is that they are sexually dominant and active; women, in turn, more sexually submissive and passive, which has placed SDS as the focus of numerous researches and studies since the 60s. It was Ira Reiss (1960) the pioneer researcher of the concept, for being the first to classify attitudes towards sexual activity before marriage, placing it into categories - abstinence, double standard and permissiveness, and in the triptych, the double standard option did not even consider the opposite version (men viewed negatively and women more positively). In 2001, Robin R. Milhausen and Edward S. Herold, from the University of Guelph, Ontario, Canada, also deepened this double standardization, in the study Reconceptualizing the sexual double standard, of the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, (after, in 1999, having already explored it in the essay Does the Sexual Double Standard Sill Exist?), but they were not the only ones: in 1999, A.H. Eagly and W. Wood, in The origins of sex differences in human behavior: Evolved dispositions versus social roles, published in the American Psychologist, also argued that traditional gender roles placed sexual attitude as a male trait and sexual passivity as a female trait, suggesting, even, that these normative expectations would be generated from the idea that men hold more power than women. R. Trivers went further in Parental investment and sexual selection of 1972, implying that men are, from an evolutionary point of view, "programmed" to be more sexually active. According to this evolutionary psychology, gender differences are intertwined with human evolution because they are related to reproductive capacity (Weidermann, 1993): since men's reproductive capacity is greater, it is considered beneficial that they can inseminate the largest number of females as possible in order to maximize the survival of the species (Oliver & Shibly Hyde, 1993; Walsh, 1993). Whether it's a question of DNA or not, I reserve the right to doubt it, being a woman, and certainly corroborated by the infamous clitoris (we’ll get to that), but the truth is that, whatever the reason, several investigations over the last 60 years have looked into the theme, considering it important - and the fact that our times continue to study it also shows that social contexts continue to perpetuate it, with greater or lesser intensity. According to social learning theory, an individual will be more likely to repeat behaviors that are rewarded (in this case, sexual agency in men and sexual passivity in women) than those that are punished (A. Bandura, Social learning theory , 1977). In traditional arguments, men are socially primed to desire and engage in casual sexual activity while women are encouraged to limit their experiences to encounters within committed, monogamous relationships (Sprecher et al, 1997), which implies (and explains why) the perception of gender roles that prevail in society are indispensable for the manifestation and maintenance of this double standard.
“It's funny, because biologically, the clitoris is the only part of the human body designed only for pleasure and, in fact, most people, men actually, would say 'I wish I had orgasms like a woman'. They last longer, we manage to have multiple orgasms, we can receive more and bigger pleasures, so, it seems, female pleasure surpasses male pleasure. So, it’s even weird that it’s not taken into account like this.” - Lucy-Anne Holmes
But you don't need to leaf through countless studies to assert this point of view - in fact, to do so is also to find this or that one that refutes them based on a research methodology that, they say, leaves something to be desired, due to the lack of observation in social interaction. So, best is to bet on the gap that seems to be the point of criticism - not contemplating personal experience and its manifestation in practice. To do so, simply click on any major online pornography link and you will see that the gender roles in most of the selection on offer reflect the meaning described so far. And the best validation of all is the practical notion of this happening, with direct testimony from a female voice. Don't Hold My Head Down (2019), by British author Lucy-Anne Holmes, is not only an incredible title that, in a few words, summarizes what seems to dominate our pornographic imagination, but also a metaphorical expression for the submissive way women are expected to perform in a heterosexual relationship. It's also a book that feels like a relatable post for how many of us women feel about sex. Holmes embarks on a journey of sexual discovery that brings her great rewards not only in terms of pleasure, but also in terms of empowerment and self-knowledge, documenting everything in this kind of diary that could well be - most likely is - a relatable post for any woman who reads it. Vogue spoke to the author and activist, who is also a contributor to The Guardian and the name behind The Sun's anti-Page 3 campaign (known for perpetuating the objectification of women and contributing to a misogynistic approach), about the reason she considers that this double standard exists and why it is so difficult to dispel it: “I think we have a huge history that we have to free ourselves from. There are so many conditionings and teachings and materials that we absorb without realizing it. We have a lot to unlearn… for example, expressions like if men don't have sex, their testicles turn blue, so we have to have sex with them so it doesn't happen. Myths and popular phrases like this, I think our culture ends up perpetuating this idea that sex is for men. As well as the idea that sex is penetration. Even today, if you ask anyone what sex is, most will answer that it's a penis in a vagina. It is still very much considered as something designed for men and this is something that goes back generations. Obviously there's a lot of information these days and more stories are being shared, and it's really interesting, I think, with the advent of the Internet, which suddenly gives everyone a voice, how many women are using it to talk about issues of abuse, female pleasure and sharing information, so there's all this complaining going on. But there is a lot of work ahead of us to counter the years and years and years of oppression. Even nowadays, in certain parts of the world, it's legal to rape your wife, I mean... it's just one example among many. How the woman's pleasure is not taken into account and has not been taken into account. On the one hand, it is exciting to see that we are in a time of change, but at the same time, there is still so much that needs to be done.” And, she adds, about this duality, which is somewhat incongruous as “it's funny, because biologically, the clitoris is the only part of the human body designed only for pleasure and, in fact, most people, men actually, would say 'I wish I had orgasms like a woman'. They last longer, we manage to have multiple orgasms, we can receive more and bigger pleasures, so, it seems, female pleasure surpasses male pleasure. So, it’s even weird that it’s not taken into account like this.” Not only is it interesting and discrepant, it’s also dramatic, because the dichotomy is not only perceived by our environment, it is also assimilated by our own mind. “I think a lot of us, as much as we want to discover our own pleasure, we might also want to be perceived as relatively pure, we still accept that role, we still play into the game. And I talk about that a lot in Don't Hold my Head Down as well, that as an adult, it was important to me that I was desirable, and that's the message you learn about being a woman, is that you have to be desirable. And that [being considered pure] has a strong impact on the concept of being desirable. That's why we try to be that way in the eyes of others, that is, not to look easy… it's a minefield, isn't it?” It is, and one that can have several effects, from the regrettable ones, which are related to the missing out on a series of pleasures, to the tragic ones, which are related to sexual health. For example, in the aforementioned Atlas of Science article, Penhollow talked about research that determined that women who provided a condom during sexual intercourse were evaluated more negatively and inappropriately than if it were a man who did so, which creates a barrier to the concrete use of this protection that is so important to prevent STDs and unplanned pregnancies. Then there is the whole psychological side, the fear of slut-shaming, of being understood and labeled slutty, something that has not yet been completely annihilated from the current social discourse, even though there are also more and more voices trying to normalize it. In Does the Sexual Double Standard Still Exist? (Milhausen & Herold, 1999) the authors showed that, according to research on the sexual behavior of men and women, the double standard influences both genders. For example, many women label another woman's sexual behavior as more promiscuous than a man’s - in 1982, Spreadbury ratified this idea -, even being this severe with herself as she is with her own gender. I’d dare say more: many of us, even condemning the SDS, inadvertently judge other women for this type of behavior. We don't realize it, but if we think about it, we've already done it without meaning it. More than four decades after Spreadbury, although it may be more diluted, it is, therefore, natural that this still happens, namely in the way we sometimes see ourselves: “We are taught that we have to be desirable, but we are also taught that we have to take care of everyone… We often assume the role of caregivers in all aspects of our lives, and much of what we do on a daily basis is to put the needs of others above our own, so it's no wonder we do it in the sex department as well. It's something we see being done all the time, we constantly see our pleasure and our comfort being taken for granted, I mean, we wear uncomfortable shoes and uncomfortable clothes, all these things we do constantly, it's really massive what we have to unlearn, in order to start saying, 'no, I'm going to stop, I'm not going to do the dishes, I'm going to try to please myself tonight or whatever'. Even in bed with someone, we're worried about how we look and whether the other person is having pleasure... And we think things like 'am I taking too long?'... there are so many experiences like that. You know, I recently wrote a book [Women on Top of the World, 2021, which gives voice to women around the globe and their sexual stories], in which I asked a number of women what they thought during sex and there are so many answers of this kind. ‘Do I smell bad?’, ‘Am I taking too long?’, ‘Am I doing this or that…?’. I think we have to say 'f*ck it* more often. Or thinking 'f*ck it' about all these things. (laughs) It's an act of rebellion and an act of emancipation to say 'f*ck it' more often.”
One that we are already doing, but that still has a long way to go. Holmes believes that there is much more literature on the subject and women-friendly pornography since she released Don't Hold My Head Down, but she also believes that there is much of what it says in the book that still holds true. How can we reverse the trend? “Well, articles and conversations like these help. The more we have them, the better. And something that annoys me - although it’s also important - is that we say that we need sex education at school, as if it were an external responsibility and the teachers to provide this education. We are all educators, we all have to assume this role. So I also try to be that embarrassing auntie or whatever, who always asks about sexual foreplay or pleasure or what's going on… Be that person who has these conversations, who shares sexual experiences that weren't amazing, who brings to the table these conversations about sex, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Normalize it. Because we learn so much from each other.” The writer is not wrong: in addition to the obvious constraints that are passed on to us by the environment, background, education, a 2022 study on the difference in influences of parents, media and peers on the perception of SDS among young people from 16 to 20 years old, carried out in 24 Dutch schools by Joyce J. Endendijk, showed that peers and the media are important influences on adolescents' expectations about the sexual behavior of men and women, implying that, in fact, the role of shattering stereotypes can come from anywhere. And why is it important to shake it? For the implications already suggested, but also for a fuller and more complete experience, namely for women, who create barriers to their own pleasure on behalf of others, as a response to an interiorization that was imposed on them without realizing it: “It makes sense to take a moment to think about these matters”, advises Lucy-Anne. “It's not very easy to do it, because we live at a fast pace, it's not something we take a lot of time to think about, or we think about it a lot, but not in the best way, you know? Therefore, just stopping and trying to understand what is going on can already help in terms of sex. Realizing who you are, sexually, what does your sexual interaction say, if it's good, even in terms of your own pleasure, how is it, am I enjoying it? Is there anything you could do that would give me more pleasure? Maybe you enjoy being in bed, and now you want to try somewhere else. Just thinking about what's going on and considering the relationships, asking if you're enjoying it, if there's something you'd like to try, just doing an analysis in this area, is already empowering. Ask yourself how you can make these wishes a reality. Talk to yourself and assume you deserve it”, encourages Holmes - and with the authority to do so, since she felt the effects of such an exercise first-hand. “Completely, I would say yes, I felt more empowered. Especially because, and I think pornography plays a strong role here, we never hear the woman say 'sorry, can you slow down a bit' or 'I'm not ready for that'; pornography is a lot of ‘getting the work done' and a lot about penetration, oral sex on men is the only foreplay, whereas for me, I'm not prepared for it that way, I won't enjoy it, but that's how it was perceived and why that has women, when it comes to sex, thinking 'what's wrong with me?', and this is what I was confronted with whenever I talked about sex with others, was that they didn't know what was going on , they complained that it was painful... and the truth is that nothing is wrong with us. For me, the most empowering part of this journey was owning it. It was starting to communicate, thinking deeply about what gave me pleasure and communicating it. That was the most empowering thing for me, learning what I wanted and learning how to say it. Because we don't practice it, we don't see it happening. It’s something that feels weird to do.” And she also clarifies that men can and should be part of the solution, appealing to the fact that they themselves are a product of what society teaches them: “Yes, without a doubt [it is important to educate boys to make them aware of these matters]. At the same time, for example, I have a seven-year-old boy and yesterday we were in a video game store and virtually every image he was confronted with showed a man with a gun and a mean face. And I thought, wow, there's this whole stereotype, too. Women are confronted with being desirable, but men also have clichés, such as being the strong, angry, unshakable type, and this prevails to such an extent that it is shocking. Of course, as a mother I try to fight it, but it comes from everywhere. We also need a men's movement, we have incredible women's movements, women vocalizing on different topics, we need something similar and beautiful in men. Because you know, male suicide in England has unbelievable rates, it's terrible. And these kinds of stereotypes are really harmful for men, but also for women. And how can we dispel it? In the end, it all comes down to sharing and communicating and listening and it really starts with men talking about it, too. And we really have to applaud the men who do, because there are a lot of men who are not afraid to vocalize this kind of stuff and we have to give them the credit they deserve, give them a platform to be heard and make them accessible examples for the younger ones.”
"We are all educators, we all have to assume this role. So I also try to be that embarrassing auntie or whatever, who always asks about sexual foreplay or pleasure or what's going on… Be that person who has these conversations, who shares sexual experiences that weren't amazing, who brings to the table these conversations about sex, it's nothing to be ashamed of." - Lucy-Anne Holmes
According to some studies, the SDS is real, but according to other studies, not quite. Who knows? Perhaps the sexual double standard doesn’t exist (?!), perhaps the author of this article is partial to her own social conditions and personal experiences (strangely enough, which confirm the double standard - but how, if it doesn’t exist?!), perhaps the generation after mine has, in fact, a more liberating view with regard to female sexuality, but the benefit of the doubt about the veracity of the duality here is (almost) irrelevant, as long as the “still” is valid in the sentence: female sexual emancipation is still not a reality. The truth is, even if just one woman reading this article, feeling affected by the double standard, is now encouraged to change her attitude about her own pleasure due to what she has read, this is already win in favor of the hedonistic pursuit of self-pleasure. Because what matters is changing the double standard where it exists, whether it is disseminated or rather confined. “Self-pleasure”, summed up Lucy-Anne Holmes about the best she took from the journey on discovering her full sexuality. “Without a doubt, being able to please myself. This is an issue dedicated to hedonism, so I would say close the magazine now, go to bed, breathe, feel your body in the areas where you like to be touched and take time to give your body pleasure and don't let, better yet, don't expect others to find the answers for your own pleasure. Find them for yourself, because it will be amazing. And then share that with the person you love. So yes… self-pleasure. Also because we live in a fast-paced world, having pleasure without depending on anyone is a fantastic way to relieve stress, to connect with yourself, with your greater Self, reduce anxieties, have pleasure, I would tell everyone to go and practice self-pleasure now. I'm writing a book right now about exploring and celebrating sexuality, and there's a phrase that I use because I believe in it, and that is: claiming our pleasure, and our sexual pleasure in particular, is the best way to f*ck the patriarchy. It's the most beautiful way to f*ck the patriarchy.”
Originally translated from Vogue Portugal's The Pleasure Issue, published may 2023.Full stories and credits on the print issue.
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