English Version | A poisoned apple

"One bite and all your dreams come true." The words of Snow White's villain are convincing. Who can blame the protagonist for caving into temptation? An apple, usually a promise of sweetness, is inconspicuous. How was she to know that behind the fruit’s lacquered vibrancy lurked a sinister poison? As a fable, the tale teaches us an important lesson: not everything that seems good is beneficial. The reach of this mantra reaches the entirety of the human experience, but its most valuable application is in the subject of the story: love. The widely accepted goodness of emotion may hide treacherous traps, like love bombing. The phenomenon is understood through its name alone: a strategy that overwhelms one of the romantic partners with love and affection. If its description seems innocuous, even desirable, its true complexity comes later.

"I've never met anyone like you.” "Your jokes are so funny.” "The way you move is stunning.” "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met.” Chitra Raghavan suggests some of the most used expressions by love bombers. The psychologist and professor at the City University of New York has dedicated her career to researching the distortion of love. "These glorifications are ways of uncovering our greatest fears in a relationship," explains Raghavan. From relationship traumas to our parents' marriage, love bombers "understand what hurts us and provide a solution."

Beyond frightening intentions revealed later, love bombing affects its receiver as soon as it manifests. “This attention isn't good because it can quickly become a weapon. Speeches like 'If you don't accept this affection, you're ungrateful' are common in these cases." Likewise, the absurd amount of attention can lead to the total consumption of one’s life. "What love bombing tries to do is confuse us, the constant bombardment occupies our minds and prevents us from making decisions that are based on our well-being," stresses Raghavan. "Healthy love is supposed to make our world grow, but in this type of relationship our world shrinks, we have less energy for everything and everyone."

"At first it was fantastic. I remember taking one of those love language tests and coming to the happy conclusion that he gave me everything: affection, quality time, gifts, affection, everything I could need... I quickly became co-dependent." Farah Thorndycraft describes her first relationship. The British journalist recounts what she now identifies as love bombing. "It was in my first year of college, I was away from home for the first time and he gave me a support I couldn't find anywhere else," she explains. This state of romantic euphoria didn't last long, just "after two months, all the devotion I had become accustomed to disappeared overnight.” The sudden change was met with confusion and resentment: "I didn't understand why his mood had changed. I complained to him about the disparity I felt from one day to the next, he sat next to me as if he didn't know me and he became cold and distant out of nowhere." As a result of the temperature change, the young journalist's self-confidence froze. "There was a profound change in me, I became an insecure person. I was different, I was constantly asking myself what I had done wrong." At first, her self-doubt was bound to her relationship but as the months went by, this restlessness spilled over into her social life. "My friends started to notice that I was different, I blamed myself for everything and nothing."

If the name of the strategy spells its initial stages, the outpour of overwhelming affection is just the tip of the iceberg. "What love bombing creates is a dependency," explains Raghavan. The psychologist explains the phenomenon by reducing it to its most elemental form: "These small but constant doses of love are dopamine spikes, and as soon as they stop, you start to feel withdrawal." The vulnerability of initial affection is like an ingenious lure. As soon as you bite into the sweet apple, you taste its poison. "The person who is subjected to love bombing loses all their power and embarks on a dangerous path."

Tamam Duhair recounts a relationship principle similar to the one described by Thorndycraft. "Without realizing it, I became extremely dependent on him." The beauty communication expert describes her first relationship. "For the first three months, he was the sweetest person possible, bought me expensive gifts, listened to me whenever I needed him... After three weeks he asked me to move into his house, a house that was substantially better than mine... He promised me a very good life and I trusted him." However, unlike in Thorndycraft's case, Duhair's ex-boyfriend began to show abusive behavior. "He was always an extremely jealous person, during our relationship, he wouldn't let me make friends and encouraged me to stay away from my family. I had to share my location all the time," she elaborates. The perversion of their romance was something that Duhair felt was a responsibility on her shoulders. “When he insulted me, I assumed it was the truth and that it was my fault that we were constantly arguing because I didn't respect his control." These constant fluctuations kept the beauty expert confined in her relationship. "It's hard to get out of a situation like this because, when things are going well, they're going very well and suddenly there's a futile hope that maybe we'll never fight again and, as soon as things start to get worse, we're back to square one... it's a corrupted version of the concept of love," she describes. Duhair's vicious cycle is an example of the reason why love bombing can be so risky. According to Dr. Chitra Raghavan, the dependency it creates makes it easier to maintain toxic or abusive relationships. "You have to pay attention to language and initial reactions, it's impossible to determine whether a relationship will be abusive right from the start, but the need for control and jealousy are always dangerous omens," she warns.

But life isn’t a fairy tale. In reality, the comfortable typology of a villain is harder to accept. Often the distinction between the good and the bad guy is just POV.  Raghavan explains that, in most cases, love bombing is done "intentionally, but not consciously." The psychologist describes her experience with people who have manifested this behavior. "They are usually an extremely anxious and needy person who enjoys the compliments that their affection elicits. Their behavior feeds an intense anxiety and fear of being alone.” According to her, most love bombers believe in their own words. “By idealizing a romantic partner, these people hope to create a relationship intense enough that by the time their 'bad side' is exposed, it's already too late." Relationships where the behaviour is exhibited are driven by an all-or-nothing attitude. "A healthy relationship is characterized by the ability to grow progressively, it's normal when you're getting to know someone that you find things you don't like, you have to negotiate, discuss, and mend a relationship.”

"We use the expression too much these days," says Farah Thorndycraft, "I think we've trivialized its meaning." In her case, the intensity of the relationship meant that, even though she was familiar with the concept, it took her a while to identify the pattern. "For me, it wasn't something I realized until a year after my relationship ended," she states. "At the beginning of every relationship there is extra attention and affection, it's something we should enjoy without paranoia," recalls Raghavan. The psychologist emphasizes that it's essential not to be an extremist. "It's important to be attentive, but you can't deprive yourself of the fun parts of a romance, you have to be gentle with yourself."

How can we differentiate between love bombing and the euphoria at the start of a relationship? "First, it's always good to see the reaction when you ask for a bit of space and, perhaps more importantly, you need to consult those closest to you," advises Raghavan. She says, "When we're in the eye of the storm, we can't separate the healthy from the exaggerated, so we need to ask for an outside opinion." Thorndycraft and Duhair agree. For both of them, the biggest red flag was the discomfort they felt about revealing what was going on in their relationship. The former vents: "I ended up breaking up with a lot of friends because of the way my ex-boyfriend treated me, they were worried about the person I was becoming because of that relationship." Duhair shares a similar story: "I was afraid that they would tell me to end the relationship, so I ended up hiding a lot of what I knew would change their opinion of him." The three interviewees tell a similar tale. To avoid the traps of villains, whether evil stepmothers or confused hunters, we have to trust our seven dwarfs.

*Originally translated from the Love & Hope Issue, published December 2023. Full credits and stories in the print issue.