English Version | Christmas is whenever I want it to be

It's actually not. Christmas is on December 25th. As April Fool's in on April 1st, International Women's Day is March 8th and Orgasm Day is on July 31st. Come again? Yes, there's a date for everything. Even for writing this text.

Which is today, January 23rd, Handwriting Day. I admit, I'm not writing it by hand, but almost: it's my hands that frantically type it on the keyboard and I want to celebrate it anyway, because it's Sunday and inspiration struck me on a holy day. Still doesn't seem like a very inspired text? Wait for it. We're just getting started on the festivities. Sit down comfortably with a bag of popcorn (which is celebrated on January 19) and get ready to have reasons to celebrate every day, because the world tried to find arguments for each date to be a day of something or whatever. And if you've always believed that there are no absurd justifications for festivities, think twice, because the Internet shows that many of the ones that follow don't stand out for being reasonable. Starting with the food, already inaugurated here with Popcorn Day: yes, a large percentage of the “days of…” are gastronomic, with obvious tributes to delicacies such as chocolate cake (January 27th), croissant (January 30th) , the pizza party (May 20th), the hamburger (May 28th), junk food in general (July 21st) and fast food in particular (November 16th), lasagna (July 29th), guacamole (September 16th - but if it's spicy guacamole, it's only November 14th), cake (November 26th), sangria (December 20th), the day to cover anything with chocolate, which we actually thought was every single day (December 16th), and if you're not already sick of this list, know that September 4th is Eat an Extra Dessert Day.

Too much sugar on a single list? December 1st is Red Apple Day, because it is one of the healthiest fruits, low in calories, rich in fiber and vitamin C, and your skin is full of antioxidants, which argues a lot for it to have a day to be celebrated. Other dates, on the other hand, would make any chef frown: January 3, for example, is Fruitcake Toss Day, that classic English Christmas with candied fruit cake, a tradition thought to have started in Manitou Springs, Colorado, in 1995, likely inspired by the fruitcake leftovers that plague many after-party homes. Celebration method: collect these weapons and select a clear area to vent frustrations, propelling this pastry specimen into the air. And yes, it has crossed our minds that we may be boosting the presence of this delicacy at Christmas in many Portuguese households just by the aforementioned after-party modality… Another peculiar gastronomic tribute is the Baking Soda Day, which is celebrated on December 30th, celebrating this ultra-versatile ingredient - anyone who's ever had clogged pipes realizes the importance of this item, am I right? Never used this baking soda and vinegar trick to unclog drains? Not worth “Crying over Spilled Milk”, now, a date marked on February 11th.

Full enough? Not yet, because we haven't even mentioned the most unusual celebrations. Examples: February 4th is Work Naked Day, a date increasingly likely to be celebrated with the advent of home office (just don’t schedule Zoom meetings for that day – at least, not without alerting those involved in the call about the #nsfw content - not safe for work). Lisa Kanarek, author and telecommuting expert, is the mind behind this title and clarifies that it's not exactly about working naked, but about the comfort of working from home. Dear Lisa, that doesn't make any sense: either we take it literally, or we take it literally. Particularly because, on April 16th, we can apply that comfort idea at the office, because it's Wear Pajamas to Work Day, and that logic of "comfort at home" falls apart. And when logic falls apart, the Day of Everything You Think Is Wrong is celebrated, on March 15th, which is the same as saying don't make any hasty decisions. Maybe that's why, to balance it out, March 16th is Everything You Do Is Right Day, to promote a positive spirit. Taking advantage of these good vibes, it's a good time to talk about February 8th, the Day to Laugh and Get Rich, which, by the title alone, is already one of my favorite dates: without much information about its origin, it's a day that encourages those who celebrate it to have fun and get rich, even if only metaphorically. In the same spectrum, we have the Day to Fulfilling Dreams, which is nothing more than an alert to proactively work on what moves us and our goals.

But the calendar is not just about happiness: in this list of dates, there are some who remembered to mark the Day to Plan one's Epitaph (April 6 or November 2) and the Day to Plan a Great Funeral (October 30)  The first is believed to have appeared in 1995 and the idea would be not to leave in the hands of others what we would have liked to have done ourselves. The second, it is said, owes its existence to Stephanie West Allen, an American who was forced to think about her husband's funeral in 1988, in the midst of her bitter grief, and witnessed her second husband go through the same, a decade later, when he had to plan his mother's final address. Allen thought of the support she would have had if some preparations had been expressed in life by the loved ones, so she appointed the day before Halloween as PPlan a Great Funeral Day. The goal was also to find space to talk about legacies, memories, and create some comfort around a day that is sad, but that can be a tribute to the person who leaves. Another tremendously grim date is the Lost Socks Memorial Day, marked on May 9th, a date to remember all the socks that got separated from their better-half and never saw it again. A minute of silence for all the drawers with countless mismatched socks seems appropriate. And, by the way, celebrate the date by recycling those widowed socks, please.

"IF PUNCTUALITY IS SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T SPEAK TO YOU, SEPTEMBER 5TH YOU DON'T NEED TO FIND ARGUMENTS FOR ARRIVING LATE, SAYS PHILADELPHIA-BASED PROCRASTINATORS' CLUB OF AMERICA, AN ORGANIZATION THAT WANTS TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO TAKE BREAKS FROM THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES."

In this internet search (whose day is celebrated on the 29th of October), there are dates that may seem peculiar, but they are no longer strange: you should probably know that the 4th of May is celebrated as Star Wars Day, thus determined since its phonetic (May the 4th) is very similar to the famous phrase from the saga, “May the Force be with you”. What you may not know is that another saga, that of Mario Bros., is also entitled to a party on March 10th. The Italian video game plumber earned a calendar mention because, allegedly, the abbreviation for March 10 (Mar10) seems to spell out “Mario.” It's true, any argument will do to claim a day on the calendar… Like, for example, December 5th is Ninja Day, celebrating these eastern warriors because, legend has it, it's the day that marks the release of Tom Cruise's movie, The Last Samurai [insert eye-roll emoji here]. And no, Ninja das Caldas had no weight in this decision, unfortunately. Are we already reaching levels of nonsense when it comes to allegedly festive dates? Perhaps. Perhaps it is better, after all, not to celebrate anything – but there is also a date to do this: January 16th is Nothing Day. Launched by journalist Harold Pullman Coffin in 1973, this day seeks to give people a date when they can “simply relax without celebrating, observing or honoring anything”, a challenge that seems to us to have more purpose than the Day of Putting a Cushion in the Refrigerator. It is celebrated on the 29th of May and, we suspect, is a modern adaptation of the old tradition of keeping towels in the pantry to bring luck. It's just lucky to be able to find space in the fridge for a pillow, that's what it means. And if you are going to try to put a pillow there, let it be at the height of August, to sleep with that fresh air when the nights mark 30 degrees. By the way… I miss summer.

January 30th is Nostalgia Day, as in, nostalgia for the times when serious texts were written. There is also that, in this magazine, and, make no mistakes, this is also one of them: talking about the freedom to institute days on whatever is something I take seriously. Especially because, in the midst of the unusual Squirrel Appreciation Day (January 21st) and Caps Lock Day (October 22nd), there are inscriptions that are very worthy of notice: the Duchess Who Wasn't Day, on August 27th, marks the life and work of author Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, but goes beyond the Irishwoman's legacy. Born in 1855, the writer, known mainly for her book Molly Brown, signed under the pseudonym “The Duchess” and the date marks exactly this incognito side that characterized her, an aspect that's common to many women over time. History is full of female talents who used anonymity because, in the past, it was believed that women were incapable of writing, so publications signed by women were often rejected by publishers. If they were lucky enough to make it to the public, they weren't hits in bookstores, so authors like Hungerford used an ambiguous title or name to get published. For example, the Brontë sisters signed as Currer Bell (Charlotte), Ellis Bell (Emily), and Acton Bell (Anne), and Jane Austen as The Lady. You don't have to wait until the end of August to celebrate the date: reading works by female writers, especially those who were forced to sign under different, male names, is a way to celebrate, every day, women's achievements.

Another thing that many people celebrate daily is Be Late for Something Day, although there is a specific date for this. If punctuality is something you don't like, on September 5th you don't need to find excuses for arriving late, says the Philadelphia-based Procrastinators' Club of America, an organization that wants to let people take breaks from their busy schedules. If, like me, you rarely make your bed, know that December 21st is our day. Thank you, Shannon Barba from Tijeras, New Mexico. The 11-year-old entrepreneur started a petition in 2014 about a task she felt was meaningless: since she was four years old, she had been making the bed to make her parents proud, but she was fed up. Therefore, made a petition to make December 21st the Day of Not Making the Bed – with reasons to support it: she argued that it's the shortest day of the year and, therefore, we are more likely to spend less time out of bed. King University, in England, corroborates the aversion to the task, but for other reasons - leaving the bed unmade helps to dry the dampness of the sheets, since damp and dark environments are the ideal nest for the proliferation of germs, while whereas an unmade bed allows sunlight to kill bacteria by dehydrating them to death. Are you already getting nervous thinking about the ecosystem that has been created at the foot of your bed? Wait until June 18th to go into a tailspin, as that's when International Panic Day happens.

We end the foreplay to give way to the long-awaited climax, World Orgasm Day, marked on July 31st – which, as is common knowledge, is not the same thing as Sex Day, marked on September 6th. The date appeared in 1999, implemented by a network of sex shops in England, which wanted to increase sales and broaden the debate on female orgasm. A discussion so important that, in the meantime, got a spinoff in 2007 with the International Day of the Female Orgasm, on August 8th. Or August 2nd in some countries. Or even Global Orgasm Day, on December 22nd… the Internet cannot agree on a fixed date on the calendar to reach the climax, which seems to me to have an obvious justification: Christmas may not be when a man wants, but Orgasm Day is whenever a woman wants it.

PS: this text is beautiful. Maybe because it was finished on January 24th, which is Compliment Day. Does it also count if it's a pat on the back, or does it have to be someone else to compliment it?

Translated from the original on Vogue Portugal's Celebrate Yourself issue, published February 2022.Full story and credits on the print issue.